I have been feeling quite different from the last few days. I wanted to jot down all that was troubling me. I wanted to pen down what was going on in my mind. But I could not. Not because I was being lazy. I was really stuck in the constant muddle in my mind. It has been more than 9 months, I have been in my job. I have a great job, I teach! What can be better than this? But I don’t feel contended. I don’t even feel connected.
I don’t feel that eternal happiness I always carried with myself. I feel I am in a constant battle. A battle of keeping everyone happy. But I guess, I need a pause in my life. I did mention “End” in the title. But it was just to remind me, I am not someone who would give up, who would give up so soon!
Humanity is lost! I have even mentioned this in my previous posts. But, I still wish, I get to meet genuine people. At workplace life is a lot different. Oh God, I used to crib regarding people being mean to me when I was studying. And over here, I find people who would not let you rise. People who would be a hurdle in your success. People who would constantly demotivate you. People who would not even mind pulling your leg or pushing you to the ground from the terrace.
So, am I supposed to run away from all of these? Am I? No, i won’t! With so many negativity around me, I always remind myself how blessed I am to still have people who loves me no matter how disgusted or irritated they feel with me. I have my parents who love me from the core of their heart. I have friends. I have my brother. I will stay strong. But after such a long time, I have a silly craving of going back to my childhood days. No worries, no pain, no negativity, only love and happiness.
Give me strength to survive.
People say that those who are fun-loving, extrovert, adventurous, they tend to make friends easily and never have a monotonous life. But yeah, no one tells how people who are fun-loving and this and that, even, tend to lose friends easily. The reason is very simple. Such amazing people love to laugh and make everyone laugh. The way they treat you is not person-oriented behavior, but they treat everyone alike. They make those silly fun-filled gestures to everyone. And on top of it, even those fun-loving people have a heart, just like someone else. What we never realize is we hurt them, regardless of the fact that they are human too. Just because they never mind and jerk off all the comments and ridicule at them with ease and perfection does not mean, that they don’t get hurt. Those love spreading people can turn out to be very mean if the extent of you hurting them reaches their saturation point. And once that stage strikes, he or she will never look at you. They will never make you laugh. They won’t come to you. They will detach from you. Such people will take your ridicule only to the extent that doesn’t affect their identity and life. And once you hurt that crucial part in their existence, you are thrown out of their life. Without any tinge of sadness, without any emotion, without any memories, he or she will walk away from you. Walk away forever!!
I am 24 and yes, I haven’t decided about my future yet. I haven’t decided what to do, where to go, where to live. I am not aware of the ideal lifestyle one should have. I am clueless about my career and my other plans. I have few plans in the back of my head, but they ain’t firm enough to be ever implemented. So what? So what, if I am not aware of my next life decision. There are many people like me. There is nothing wrong in not knowing what you have to do.
Instead of wasting half of the life, planning and failing in the pursuits, it is better to live your life unplanned. I am a firm believer in destiny. I know something good will happen. The negativity of the judgmental people around me will never stop me. It will never make me sad and depressed. And if I ever feel low, I will think about the worst that could happen to me, and then compare it to the present situation and be thankful to the Almighty for giving me such a beautiful life. Instead of wasting my life planning, I will start with little steps and preliminary goals and achieve them. Happiness is just a frame of mind, your own perception.
And then she slowly walked away with a heavy heart. Few things don’t change. Few situation repeats itself. The story remains the same. The character changes. This is life. It was difficult for her. She had no fear of ridicule. But someone who loved her and observed her silently could feel the change. She was wearing off day by day. She was losing herself.