It has been different. End.

I have been feeling quite different from the last few days. I wanted to jot down all that was troubling me. I wanted to pen down what was going on in my mind. But I could not. Not because I was being lazy. I was really stuck in the constant muddle in my mind. It has been more than 9 months, I have been in my job. I have a great job, I teach! What can be better than this? But I don’t feel contended. I don’t even feel connected.

I don’t feel that eternal happiness I always carried with myself. I feel I am in a constant battle. A battle of keeping everyone happy. But I guess, I need a pause in my life. I did mention “End” in the title. But it was just to remind me, I am not someone who would give up, who would give up so soon!

Humanity is lost! I have even mentioned this in my previous posts. But, I still wish, I get to meet genuine people. At workplace life is a lot different. Oh God, I used to crib regarding people being mean to me when I was studying. And over here, I find people who would not let you rise. People who would be a hurdle in your success. People who would constantly demotivate you. People who would not even mind pulling your leg or pushing you to the ground from the terrace.

So, am I supposed to run away from all of these? Am I? No, i won’t! With so many negativity around me, I always remind myself how blessed I am to still have people who loves me no matter how disgusted or irritated they feel with me. I have my parents who love me from the core of their heart. I have friends. I have my brother. I will stay strong. But after such a long time, I have a silly craving of going back to my childhood days. No worries, no pain, no negativity, only love and happiness.

Give me strength to survive.

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And when you are gone..

People say that those who are fun-loving, extrovert, adventurous, they tend to make friends easily and never have a monotonous life. But yeah, no one tells how people who are fun-loving and this and that, even, tend to lose friends easily. The reason is very simple. Such amazing people love to laugh and make everyone laugh. The way they treat you is not person-oriented behavior, but they treat everyone alike. They make those silly fun-filled gestures to everyone. And on top of it, even those fun-loving people have a heart, just like someone else. What we never realize is we hurt them, regardless of the fact that they are human too. Just because they never mind and jerk off all the comments and ridicule at them with ease and perfection does not mean, that they don’t get hurt. Those love spreading people can turn out to be very mean if the extent of you hurting them reaches their saturation point. And once that stage strikes, he or she will never look at you. They will never make you laugh. They won’t come to you. They will detach from you. Such people will take your ridicule only to the extent that doesn’t affect their identity and life. And once you hurt that crucial part in their existence, you are thrown out of their life. Without any tinge of sadness, without any emotion, without any memories, he or she will walk away from you. Walk away forever!!

The unpredictability

I am 24 and yes, I haven’t decided about my future yet. I haven’t decided what to do, where to go, where to live. I am not aware of the ideal lifestyle one should have. I am clueless about my career and my other plans. I have few plans in the back of my head, but they ain’t firm enough to be ever implemented. So what? So what, if I am not aware of my next life decision. There are many people like me. There is nothing wrong in not knowing what you have to do.

Instead of wasting half of the life, planning and failing in the pursuits, it is better to live your life unplanned. I am a firm believer in destiny. I know something good will happen. The negativity of the judgmental people around me will never stop me. It will never make me sad and depressed. And if I ever feel low, I will think about the worst that could happen to me, and then compare it to the present situation and be thankful to the Almighty for giving me such a beautiful life. Instead of wasting my life planning, I will start with little steps and preliminary goals and achieve them. Happiness is just a frame of mind, your own perception.

In the midst of…

And then she slowly walked away with a heavy heart. Few things don’t change. Few situation repeats itself. The story remains the same. The character changes. This is life. It was difficult for her. She had no fear of ridicule. But someone who loved her and observed her silently could feel the change. She was wearing off day by day. She was losing herself.

Coming in terms with the world..

I have always been posed with a question to myself, why do I think too much? Why do i feel like changing the world with my thought process? Why do people call me emotional? Why am i judged for being an extrovert? Why do frankness and truthfulness, not respected in today’s world? Why am I not even able to fake a smile, when people around me can fake the whole relationship? All these questions have always made me weak. I have always had thoughts of changing myself and becoming like others, self-centered and emotionless like a solid rock. But i never succeed in my mission of changing myself. I cannot pretend and over time I have realized my inner-self and outer-self is putting me into troubles.

People abuse me for being emotional, being a cry baby, being too sweet with everyone, but, what they don’t understand is, unlike them, I have always been my real self. I don’t pretend. If being with people, talking to them, listening to their stories and sharing their pain and happiness gives me satisfaction, I don’t think I should stop doing that, because few people around me think me to be pretentious. It is high time for me, when, I should make a settlement with the reality. That the world will not change, but I should not modify myself and bring myself with the terms of the materialistic world. People who love you, will keep loving, irrespective of what you are and who you are. If your act towards others is not being acknowledged by them, do believe, their is someone above us, above mankind, above everything in the world, and he is maintaining a diary of your deeds. He will surely     reward me and you one day!!!

all-about-me-girl

Was it all futile?

It took me some time to finally settle down with the reality that 2015 has come to an end. It was indeed a beautiful year. It was a wonderful shift from the graduate portfolio to the postgraduate one. It was the year when my dream of getting associated with National Law University came true, where I got an opportunity to pursue Legum Magister and hone my legal skills. My parents were delighted as I cleared the LLM entrances of most of the Universities in India and on top of that, I graduated with a 90% plus from my last attended university. We even started 2015 with a beautiful family trip to Gangtok, the capital and the largest town of the Indian state Sikkim and ended 2015 by visiting Jaipur and Jodhpur, referred to as the pink city and the blue city respectively, the two most beautiful cities of Rajasthan.

But personally speaking, climbing on these stepping stones of success did not give me much of pleasure. It is great to be good in academics and score good marks, but then, deep down I knew, I am not able to gather much of knowledge. Attending classes, giving semester exams, scoring good is not the ultimate aim of life. Moreover, I wanted to do something more than being a book worm, something, that could add to my personality and my skills. But then, I could not even complete most of the items in the to-do list prepared by me in the beginning of the year 2015. I wonder where did I go wrong? Blaming the paucity of time, as I was involved with so many other commitments will be the most common excuse anyone would make. But then, time wasted will never come back and repenting over the mistakes already committed will make me feel no better.

I don’t know how most of the people would go about in such a situation. But it is already the 9th day of the year 2016, and I am willing to make a change. I am willing to compensate for my own losses. I am willing to start all over. I am sure there would be many of you like me. DON’T REGRET PEOPLE. Just chalk out a new strategy and  a new set of beautiful agendas including the ones missed last year and the ones not executed. And never forget, we are human beings and we tend to make mistakes, but rectifying and learning from those mistakes is the most important in a human life!!